The Darkness Within Him: The Untwisted series Page 18

  Noticing my distress, Nicholas shifted beside me and placed a hand on my shoulder for support. ‘You don’t have to share this with me if you don’t want to, Rebecca,’ he said softly.

  ‘No, I need to,’ I replied resolutely. ‘After I left her there, she went off with the guy into the garden to talk and kiss but … but he forced himself on her.’ I heard Nicholas draw in a sharp breath next to me and I grimaced because that was nowhere near the most horrendous part.

  ‘Unfortunately, it gets worse,’ I murmured. ‘She didn’t tell anyone what had happened to her that night but a couple of months later, my mum found her in the bathroom, unconscious, with empty pill bottles by her side.’ Next to me, I felt Nicholas tense, obviously realising why I’d said their stories were similar. ‘It turned out the rape had got Jo pregnant. She didn’t feel she could tell anyone and was so ashamed and distressed by it that she wanted to end it all. She found some online concoction of pills that was supposed to be a home suicide kit.’

  I couldn’t even draw up the courage to look Nicholas in the eye as I concluded my story in a rush. ‘The baby died. Jo survived, but she ended up brain-damaged, partly from the drugs and partly from the lack of oxygen to her brain. If I hadn’t left her at that party …’ I shook my head desolately. ‘None of it would ever have happened and Jo would be normal now,’ I said quietly, hating myself all over again.

  ‘Jesus, Rebecca, that’s truly terrible. But you can’t blame yourself for what happened that night, it’s the arsehole who took advantage of her who’s to blame, not you,’ Nicholas stated, squeezing my shoulder, but I merely shrugged.

  ‘Maybe, but I still feel guilty for it. She’s quite unstable now, very dependent on medication and not good around strangers. She doesn’t blame me but I just can’t forgive myself. Maybe if I’d been a better sibling, like Nathan was to you, Joanne wouldn’t have ended up in trouble in the first place.’

  Turning to him, I took a deep breath and returned my focus back to the small matter of our broken relationship. ‘I wanted you to hear the story so you know I understand what it’s like to live with someone who has gone through something that traumatic. I can’t begin to imagine what you went through with your father, Nicholas, but it obviously affected the way you’ve grown up.’ Understatement of the year.

  Now my story of Joanne was out in the open, I decided to act on instinct, so I turned to Nicholas and pushed him back into the sofa while swinging my leg across his lap so I was straddling him. Now I could sit looking straight into his eyes, just how he liked it. My move obviously took him completely by surprise because he sucked in a shocked breath and blinked in disbelief at my sudden close proximity.

  ‘I love you, Nicholas,’ I admitted, causing his eyes to widen like saucers. ‘You don’t have to say it back,’ I added hastily, shaking my head and fairly certain that declarations like that would never come from his lips, ‘but deep down I know you care about me.’ That much had been blatantly clear from his expressions in the pub earlier.

  I sighed softly but maintained eye contact. ‘I can’t walk away from you like I did Joanne. I love you too much for that,’ I said with a deep breath. ‘An awful lot has happened between us in a short space of time. I can accept your controlling ways and the kinky bedroom stuff – I actually quite like most of it – but if we are to try again you need to know two things,’ I told him firmly.

  ‘Anything,’ he urged, tentatively placing his hands on my hips, his eyes blazing with hope.

  ‘First, you need to sort things out with Nathan. I get that he’s always looked out for you but I’m not having you freak out about us every time you see him. I won’t ask you choose between us, I wouldn’t do that, but it’s up to you to decide what to do.’ Silently, I prayed that it wouldn’t come down to an ugly face-off between myself and Nicholas’ tough-sounding brother.

  A trace of a smile graced Nicholas’ lips and his eyes burned into mine as his hands ran restlessly up and down my thighs. ‘It’s already done, Rebecca. I had a big talk with him the day after you left and got everything off my chest. Actually, he was the one who finally persuaded me to come and see you today. I’d wanted to since the day you left, but you had asked me not to contact you so I tried to stay away for your sake,’ he explained softly. ‘Nathan has seen the difference in me, especially after you left. I think it’s confused him, but he could see I was better because of you. He actually told me to go to you.’

  That was surprising news, but I nodded, pleased by his words. I had thought Nathan might be a bigger obstacle than that and felt quite relived he wouldn’t be more of an issue.

  ‘Secondly?’ Nicholas asked, wary again.

  ‘Secondly, and this is not up for discussion, if you ever hurt me the way you did three weeks ago I will leave, and I will not come back,’ I stated bluntly, my jaw clenching just at the thought of that awful night.

  I felt his hands tighten around my waist. With a pained expression, he closed his eyes and lowered his face into the crook of my neck, where he rested silently for several seconds. ‘Never, Rebecca, I promise …’ he murmured, his breath hot against my skin. ‘That wasn’t me. I was so confused, so scared about how I felt about you …’ He tugged me closer and wrapped his arms tightly around my waist, his breathing rapid and jerky next to my ear.

  ‘Things were getting serious between us and yet you hadn’t left me. I couldn’t understand it; all I could think about was my father and how I must be like him, and then Nathan was saying I would never be capable of loving someone … I was so confused,’ he confessed in a soft voice.

  ‘And now?’ I asked softly, rubbing my hand in soothing circles on his back, like I’d wanted to earlier in the pub when he’d been so distressed.

  ‘Now I know I’m not like my father.’ He raised his head and I was shocked to see tears staining his cheeks. ‘I’d refused to acknowledge it before, but now I know … I … I love you, Rebecca,’ Nicholas whispered hoarsely, his eyes wide and sincere as if doubting I would believe him, let alone want him.

  Now it was my time to sit wide-eyed and silent. He loved me? I knew Nicholas cared for me, I knew he’d given up things for me, changed the way he lived, even, but I never expected him to admit he loved me. I’d assumed that was beyond him, especially after hearing about his loveless upbringing.

  ‘I can never apologise enough for what I did to you, Rebecca. I hate myself for it every day. Please, please try to forgive me. You are so important to me. You’re everything,’ he amended with a shake of his head. ‘I’m trying hard to work on my anger and possessiveness … I can’t promise not to get upset sometimes, but I swear I will never hit you like that again. Never. Please, Rebecca, please come back to me,’ he implored me, his fingers nervously rubbing back and forth on my thighs, making my skin hot through the denim of my jeans.

  Using the pads of my thumbs, I brushed away his tears and lowered my lips to his face, softly kissing both his cheeks before gently pressing my mouth to his. It wasn’t passionate, like most of our previous kisses had been. Instead, it was a deep, slow kiss that spoke volumes about how I felt for this man.

  ‘OK. You have me back, Nicholas,’ I agreed, a smile playing on my lips as he pulled me to him and squeezed the breath out of me. ‘You need to bin the cane, though,’ I added tersely; I didn’t even want to think about that being in his house.

  ‘I’ve already done it. It’s all gone,’ he replied as his lips lazily ran across my jawline.

  ‘All gone?’ I asked, sitting back in confusion.

  ‘Come,’ he instructed, then, shifting me off his lap, Nicholas stood and held a hand out to me. Keen to get as much contact with him as possible after our three weeks apart, I grabbed his hand far too eagerly. Gosh, I really was so pathetic when it came to this man.

  Leading me up the stairs, Nicholas must have felt me tense as he approached the door to the spare room because he paused with his fingers on the handle. Thinking of the last time we’d been in here made me shudder. I wasn’t
sure I’d ever be able to walk back in there again without feeling sick to the stomach.

  ‘Trust me?’ Nicholas whispered, his eyes urging me to have confidence in him again. I wanted to trust him again, really wanted to, so slightly nervously I nodded. He opened the door, keeping his eyes fixed on me as I hesitantly peeked around the doorframe and looked inside.

  From his statement – “it’s all gone” – I’d assumed he meant the canes, cuffs, and other toys, but as I took in the sight before me, I gasped and looked at him questioningly.

  ‘I couldn’t stand myself after you left. Even if you wouldn’t take me back, I knew I’d changed too much to want to come in here ever again. I scrapped the bed, burned the sheets, cleared the cupboard,’ he explained with a shrug. ‘I wasn’t sure what to do with the room at first, but I know how much you love books, as do I, so a library seemed like a good use.’ His voice faded at the end of his sentence as he gazed around the transformed room.

  Blinking several times, I stepped into the spare room that was now fully fitted out as a library. Wide wooden bookcases filled the walls, soft rugs covered the floors, and two leather armchairs sat by the large window. Wow. It was beautiful. Shaking my head in shock, I noticed he’d even got rid of the old curtains, allowing the early-evening moonlight to flood into the room with a pale glow.

  I ran my fingertips across the spines of the books filling one bookcase as I wandered to the cupboard. Glancing inside, I saw it was completely empty. The shelves had gone, along with the toys and accessories, most of which we’d never even used together. As I turned, my gaze caught on a small box on the floor and I looked at it curiously.

  ‘Oh … I kept a few things that reminded me of you. Stuff you seemed to like,’ he mumbled, looking embarrassed as an uncharacteristic blush reddened his cheeks.

  Pulling back the lid of the box, I couldn’t help but smile. Inside were the soft handcuffs, nipple clamps, flogger, and some scarves and vibrators.

  ‘I do like,’ I agreed, smiling up at him shyly as my cheeks quickly heated to match his own.

  Suddenly, Nicholas approached me and pulled me into his arms, clutching me to his chest so desperately he knocked some of the wind from my lungs. ‘Oh God, Rebecca, you have no idea how scared I was that you wouldn’t come back to me …’ Tugging roughly on my hair, he tilted my head back and kissed me deeply and thoroughly, as if reassuring himself that I was really there. Now this was a real kiss; not like the chaste one I had given him downstairs.

  Oh, how I had missed his kisses, I thought hazily. His passion was so intense it was all I could do to cling on to Nicholas and stay upright. As his soft lips moved over mine so insistently, a fire erupted in my heart that had me melting against him and meeting his kiss with an equally demanding one of my own.

  Breaking our lip-lock and panting, Nicholas held me securely but closed his eyes for several seconds, seeking to calm himself.

  ‘Thanks for sharing your history with me today, Nicholas,’ I murmured, pulling him even closer to me and rubbing my hand soothingly over his hip, causing a low rumble to escape from his throat.

  ‘I’ve never told anyone all that before. Apart from the police the day my parents were arrested,’ he admitted, his lips thinning at the unpleasant memory. ‘But I’m glad I did. I feel better now you know.’

  ‘Me too. I’m glad I told you about Jo. Maybe you can meet her one day,’ I suggested, thinking it was highly unlikely that my sister would want to meet any strange male I brought along. ‘But I’ll have to see how she settles on her new medications first.’ Deciding I didn’t want to talk about her any more, I brought the conversation back to Nicholas. ‘Are your parents still in prison now?’ I whispered, unsure of whether he would want to open up about them any further.

  ‘No. My mother served three years for assisting in child abuse, and was released halfway through her sentence for good behaviour. My father got six years but got out after five, I think. Social Services told me they split up. My mum lives in America, apparently, but I’ve had no contact with them. I don’t know where my dad is, and quite frankly, I don’t care,’ he muttered, his tone suddenly devoid of any emotion.

  Such short prison sentences for inflicting years of pain and a lifetime of emotional scarring. It seemed completely unbelievable to me.

  ‘Have you eaten?’ Nicholas murmured against my forehead, apparently also wishing to change the subject, which was fine by me. Today had been pretty tough as it was and must have been equally traumatic for him with all our deep confessions.

  ‘No,’ I said, ‘but I’m not really hungry. Actually, after three weeks of sleepless nights I’d really just like to go to bed. Can I stay?’ My tone was tentative, but I was fairly sure that Nicholas would agree, and knew that I stood a good chance of sleeping well tonight with him back at my side.

  ‘There’s not a chance in hell that I’m letting you leave,’ he confirmed, his old possessiveness seeming to flow easily back to the surface. ‘But you need to eat something first. How about a quick sandwich and then bed, Rebecca?’ he asked, dropping a persuasive kiss on my lips.

  Feeling the warmth of his body against mine, I gave in without a fight. ‘OK.’

  Leading me in the direction of the kitchen, he gripped my hand tightly the entire time. ‘And I know what you mean about the lack of sleep. It’s just as well my neighbours are heavy sleepers because I’ve played piano into the early hours most nights.’

  After I’d devoured delicious bacon sandwiches, which I hadn’t thought I’d wanted, Nicholas once again refused to let me go and led me by the hand up to his bedroom. Our bedroom. It was only nine o’clock, but after sleep had evaded me for the best part of three weeks, I was more than ready to retire for an early night.

  Once I had persuaded him to let go of my hand for a brief period, I entered the en suite bathroom and found all my things present. Toothbrush, hairbrush, make-up: everything still sat exactly where I had left it three weeks ago. For several seconds I just stared at it, wondering why Nicholas hadn’t moved it. Gosh, it must have been really weird for him to have my stuff here on display after we’d broken up.

  Shuddering, I pushed those thoughts aside and rushed through my wash to get ready for bed.

  After I had brushed my teeth and run a brush though my hair, I emerged into the bedroom to find Nicholas sitting on the edge of the bed in nothing but a pair of black boxer shorts, awaiting my return. I’d almost forgotten how great his body was, so I indulged myself for a moment by staring openly at him. He smiled at me like I was the most precious thing left on earth, then he shook his head as if bemused by something and went into the bathroom without a word, dropping a brief, chaste kiss on the top of my head as he passed me.

  One simple kiss and I felt like a rubbery lump of nerve endings. I was a totally lost cause, I thought with a smile as I pulled off my work jumper.

  Not having a nightshirt or pyjamas at his house, I simply undressed and climbed into bed naked. It wasn’t long before I was joined by Nicholas who snuggled up behind me, making a contented growling noise when he discovered my lack of clothing.

  Even though I was tired, more tired than I could ever remember being, the feel of Nicholas’ warm body pressed up against me again was just too much of a temptation for me to pass up. Especially after three weeks of abstinence. In full tease mode, I pressed my bottom against his groin and wiggled it briefly, until I felt him start to stir to life, and then rolled over to face him, smiling impishly.

  ‘I thought you were tired,’ he reprimanded me, but there was an excited twinkle in his eyes that betrayed his attempt at chastisement.

  ‘I am, but it’s been over three weeks since I’ve had you inside me and I don’t think I can wait a minute longer,’ I whispered, a flush reddening my cheeks at my blunt honesty and causing a hissed breath to escape from his parted lips.

  ‘Let’s see what we can do about that then, shall we?’ he murmured salaciously. The darkness of his eyes mirrored my desires. Smiling seduc
tively, he leant forward and kissed me. His lips moved across mine slowly and tenderly at first, but as the electricity shot between our bodies it was all we could do not to rush our reconciliation and claw at each other’s skin.

  Pushing me on to my back, Nicholas set about worshipping my body. He spent an eternity kissing every inch of me until I was a quivering mess below his teasing lips. ‘Nicholas, please …’ I begged as he once again returned to one of my breasts to suckle on it.

  ‘Please what, Becky?’ Nicholas asked while gazing intently into my eyes.

  ‘Please …’ I paused, not really liking to beg, until a sudden thought hit me and I smiled. ‘Please make love to me,’ I whispered, loving the fact that I could utter the words for the first time. Tonight we would make love, not fuck.

  Nicholas growled possessively at my request. He kissed me deeply, his tongue plunging past my lips and stroking across mine fiercely. ‘With pleasure,’ he murmured a second later. As he positioned himself between my legs, he gazed deep into my eyes with a look of absolute adoration on his face, before pushing himself inside my heat slowly and tenderly. We both groaned loudly as we were reconnected, and Nicholas had to stop and rest his forehead against mine for several seconds while he regained his composure before starting up a leisurely, loving pace.

  Nicholas showed me in both his actions and words that he truly did love me as he rained kisses down upon me and made slow, delicious love to me that night. It was possibly the knowledge that he loved me, or perhaps just the three weeks apart, but he brought me to one of the most blissful orgasms of my life. I knew I had never felt happier as my body clenched around his and he found his release while buried deep inside me, calling out my name into the darkness.

  Chapter Fifteen

  The following morning, I woke feeling well rested for the first time since I’d walked out on Nicholas just over three weeks ago. The reason I’d slept so well was still wrapped around me like a blanket, his head resting on my chest with his right arm and leg thrown over me protectively, and I couldn’t help but let out a contented sigh. I’d slept through the entire night – well, what was left of it after Nicholas and I had finished reacquainting ourselves with each other’s body.